Before you go crying to me that “It’s unfair to talk about cars. I can’t afford a nice one”, do me a favor, and for once, decide to NOT be a bitch. Do you currently own a car right now? If the answer is no, then you need stop worrying about how you look in the first place and get your shit together. If the answer is yes, then cut the bullshit, bro. If you own a car right now, you could own a swag car. Also, depending on the kind of car you have, you could even get away with just tricking it out a bit.
Let’s get something straight. You’re (trying to be) a man with swagger and style. Men are the masters of the automobile. In order to have swagger when it comes to your whips, you just need to make the right choice when deciding on the car you roll in. You need a car that, if you were tacky and had a bumper sticker on it, could read “My other ride is your girlfriend”. If you’re driving a Prius you just bought for 20K, you’re not concerned with swagger and need to step away from the computer and get back to your hardback version of Skinny Bitch. You should have put that 20K towards something original. Some old muscle, perhaps. How about a ‘65 Pontiac GTO? Don’t want to use up the gas that old Goat would require? How about a vintage Porsche Targa? Need a bigger ride to stack your boys in and roll deep? How does a Land Rover defender with jumper seats in the back sound? Shit holds 9, Homie. There is no excuse to not ride with swag. Stop bullshitting yourself (and the chick from the bar last night who laughed when you pulled around driving that bright red Jetta).
Let me drop some knowledge on you. You’re a (somewhat) smart dude. You’re resourceful. You scour the internet to find someone to tell you how to dress, right? You can easily use your resources to find a legit ride. You have 1,000 bucks to spend on a car? I can show you 20 rides right now in that price range that will have the Ma’s swooning. Instead of going to Craigslist and buying that spoiled high school chicks beginner bucket, you need to pull up your skirt, grab your balls, and really dig. Check out your local tow yard, or register with an auto auction. Chances are there will be a few minor issues that need tending to, but do you EVER buy a suit without getting it tailored? I sure fucking hope not.
Point is, bro, you spend your life dripping from head to toe with swag suits, and pea coats. Last thing you want to do is walk out your door and into a budget ass ride. You need to have a car that exudes style. Get yourself something unique where dudes are going to hate on you while their girlfriends chase after you like a fat kid chases an ice cream truck. Except you’re not hauling ice cream, you’re hauling a load of swag and pockets full of digits.
Spring Heeled Jacks Approved swag rides:
Baller Category – Excluding the obvious (Ferrari, Lambo’s, and Porsche)
Audi S8 or A8 W12 – Forget the S55 AMG, and the M5 or M6. Everyone does that.
Audi R8 – Step it up even more. It’s flashier, but so are you apparently
Tesla – NOT! Are you a millionaire tech dweeb? Hope not. These cars are for the loser who wants to show how rich he is, but what he’s really showing is he has no taste. FTN (fuck that noise)
SUV – Where’s Turtle going to sit?
Audi Q7 – White this puppy out, with blacked out matte wheels and windows.
Land Rover Defender 110 – If you’re really badass, you can import an SVX (Special Vehicles) edition from England. Trick is getting the papers. Or don’t. Life’s too short to live street legal.
American Muscle – Imported from Detroit
1965 Ponitac GTO – Yeah, the one from XXX minus the meat head.
1970 Cuda – Cuda, woulda, shoulda…
Corvette – Any Year, Any Color
…Or Check the Bargain Bin – There are so many options here it’s hard to list them all. And when you find one, it needs to be custom tailored. Feel free to email me and get my thoughts.
The Swagologist 