Alright Bros! It’s the weekend and you’re out with your friends at your favorite bar. First round is on me! What are we having? What thats? Coors light . . . oh really? You watching your pretty figure? Are you gonna pop the collar on your penguin polo because you think its your junior year in fucking college! Contrary to popular belief, light beer is not “Bro” and sure as hell is not SWAG. Sure grabbing a 30 rack with 2 of your bros and pounding that shit out on a Wednesday was cool when you were 20. Well guess what fuck-o, you’re not 20 anymore. Your testosterone levels along with your metabolism have dropped, your gut is hanging over what LOOKS to be skinny jeans from your fat ass thighs, and no one is giving it up to you for being able to pound out 10 beers, especially when they’re only 3.5% as opposed to the 5% a normal red blooded American beer contains. STEP YOUR GAME UP.
Now before you’re able to go from a certified bro to swagged out for success you need to know where you went wrong as a bro before you can start making the swag choice. You gotta crawl before you can walk, just the same way you threw up the first time you shot gunned a beer “because the foam got you” . . . sure it did little guy. Anyway, lets recap some shit we learned in the bro world and see where we can weave in some of your bro training into your new successful swagger.
It has been a common misconception that High Life, along with keystone and natural, or “naughty” as I’m sure you’ve been calling it for years, is an acceptable choice as a legitimate adult bro beverage. Let me tell you right now that if you think anything in the Miller family is anything other than horse piss you should go ahead and punch yourself square in the face because YOU ARE WRONG! Miller beer is only expectable if you are 16 years old and your failure of a father has nothing else you can steal out of his fridge. Even in the world of bro these are all beers we have stepped away from once we graduated college or high school for that matter. When it comes to American BEERS there isn’t a whole lot of swag to go around but in the BRO world there are 2 that you at least don’t have to feel like a bitch about when you drink them. Budweiser and Pabts Blue Ribbon.
Why might you ask? Well Budweiser, Also known as Bud heavy, is the king of beers. THE MOTHA F-ING KING. That coupled with its 5% alcohol rating, and MM RED packaging make it the gold standard among bro binge drinking.
Well why not Coors? Coors . . . really . . . the Silver bullet? Silver bullets should be reserved for werewolves and your ol’ ladys unmentionable drawer. THAT’S IT. And what is with “The Banquet Beer” . . . what am I? Getting married? What, the fuck banquet am I having. I’m a bro. I have parties, bro-downs and rodeos. No bro is making dress code for a banquet no matter how much bling my affliction shirt has and there are no tuxedos in herding cattle.
Pabst is probably the most swagged out bro juice there is, which really isn’t saying much. Recently, there has been a resurgence of Pabst Blue Ribbon due to the hipster movement. Now this movement is certainly not bro and while no hipster will admit to it, certain portion of this movement have been influence by the likes of Kanye and Drake and, similar to pyrite, giving off a faint glimmer swag. Unfortunately the shit is like the majority of girls you’ve been hooking up with before you came to the Swagologist. Good from far but far from good and you’ll definitely be waking up the next morning wondering what the hell you were thinking. Even still, Pabst has been a friend to the bro because its 5% alcohol, its not bad tasting, and you can usually score a $2 pint at bars that are badass enough to carry it.
Now that we have gone through the gamut of bro bar beers we have a great foundation for taking our game to that next level. In next weeks lesson we will go over how to take your beer game up from baby swag to prepubescent swag. Baby steps for baby pecks.
This is Guak Du. I’m out!
The Swagologist 